Research is clear about the psychological (and physical) benefits of connection with others. Turns out, though, that for lots of us it’s not a simple or easy thing to find. In the video below I discuss what vulnerability can look like and how it enhances connection, and I explore a few other obstacles to connection. And in the article that follows I also make some suggestions about how to work on this area of our lives.
There’s Lots of Talk about ‘Vulnerability,’ But What is it, and What Does it Look Like?
When we open ourselves up and take some risk in the pursuit of interpersonal connection, we call that vulnerability. And we know that it can enhance closeness and connection. But what exactly do we mean by vulnerability? What does it even look like?
Many people might see it as sharing all of your deepest, darkest stuff with someone else in a very open way. And while that for sure is one way to be vulnerable, it’s a narrow definition that scares some people away from the endeavor. Vulnerability can be anything that opens you up a bit more to another person, that makes you more accessible, real, and relatable, and that allows someone to see you more as you actually are.
It could be something as simple as reaching out to someone and initiating contact, or it could be telling someone something that you enjoy about them, or paying them a really sincere compliment. Vulnerability could be sharing the kind of humor that you find funny, even though you’re not sure the other person is going to find it equally humorous.
It could be sharing something you feel strongly about, maybe an opinion or idea that really deeply resonates with you. Even telling another person that you’re interested in having a connection with them can be a form of opening up and being vulnerable.
Related Article: (VIDEO) Why People Probably Like You More Than You Think
It doesn’t have to be huge disclosures; it’s just any way of sharing who you are that brings you into contact with a bit (or a lot) of a feeling of risk, apprehension, or worry that it won’t be received, or won’t be reciprocated. That’s vulnerable, and it also so happens to be the stuff that often deepens or enhances connection. “But what if they don’t like me?” That’s always possible, sure, but probably not as likely as we think.
What are Some Common Obstacles to Interpersonal Connection?
What else besides risk and vulnerability can make connection challenging? Finding the kind of people you mesh well with, for starters, can be tricky. Unless you’re already in lots of situations that facilitate frequent interactions with high quantities of like-minded people, you’re probably going to have to go out and find people, and it can be hard to know how and where to do that.
Other obstacles might include finding time to interact more; a lot of people are busy and have things to do. Or cultural differences, or different values, or even different agendas for what is needed from connection.
Or social anxiety, which for some people means it’s a lot louder in their heads when they are around others, and their attention is predominantly taken up by worries and nervousness. Another one is simple introversion, a common personality characteristic but often an impediment to connection, especially if you’re in cultures that reward extraversion more highly.
This one, and just general shyness, are a challenge for me. I tend to prefer to ‘get out of the way’ and make room for other people, which functionally means I get quieter and I say less about myself. I’ve learned though that I can’t just always wait for other people to be open and vulnerable all the time first. I can’t insist that every social interaction I engage in has four or fewer people–though I definitely feel far more comfortable that way! And I’ve learned that if I don’t give people anything of substance to connect to, then connection isn’t just magically going to happen on its own.
Another challenge I see sometimes is that many people are caught up in an unrealistic ideal that every single person they ever come in contact with should like them, and be happy with them. Sometimes we can go so far in trying to please others that we lose the expression of who we actually are.
If You Struggle with Connection, You’re in Good Company
The reason I bring up these obstacles (and of course there are many more!) is not to discourage you, but to validate that it’s normal for people to find it challenging, in various ways, to build deep and satisfying connections with others. There’s stuff that just gets in the way, especially for some of you based on what you’ve been through in your lives, or how your brains are wired, or both.
The thing is, it’s not just you. True, some people have more practice, skill, and fluency in social connection and relationships. But I don’t think that means it’s necessarily easy. Even the people you know that seem like they have all the social belonging they could ever want–you’d be surprised how many of them end up in therapy with me talking about how lonely and disconnected they feel sometimes.
It is universally human for us to struggle in one way or another, at one time or another, with a sense of interpersonal connection. And so it’s always a good idea for us to put some work and effort into increasing that quality of connection. Returning again to the topic of vulnerability, here’s one way to work on finding and deepening that connection.
How to Increase Connection: Practice Being Vulnerable
This exercise might be a good fit if you have a desire to get closer to the people in your life and have wanted to take the steps necessary to make that happen. The idea of this one is simple, it’s the doing it part that’s challenging. So here it is: take the next week and make it a concrete focus to work at opening up a step or two beyond what might be typical for you. No need to blow it open, just a step or two.
- Maybe you prefer to have others open up to you first and then you follow suit; try initiating, instead of waiting.
- Maybe you prefer to stay quiet and listen; try talking more, so much that you get to that point where your brain tells you you’re saying too much, and then hang out in that uncomfortable space for a bit.
- Or conversely maybe you’re more comfortable talking and filling the space, and vulnerability for you means staying more quiet and giving that space to someone, even when it feels awkward.
- Maybe vulnerability for you looks like sharing the kinds of things you usually don’t share about yourself—related to your thoughts, feelings, wishes, experiences, struggles, joys, etc. Pick someone and share a couple of those.
Whatever form it takes, the invitation is to step into vulnerable discomfort, on purpose, in the service of pursuing connection. Take a couple risks and push yourself to do something you normally wouldn’t, a step or two beyond the edge of your comfort zone. Remember the idea here is to practice doing what it takes to get closer to people you would like to be closer to, NOT to go around taking risks with anyone and everyone, without prudence.
You may be worried that people won’t like you, will be turned off by you, be overwhelmed, burdened, or inconvenienced by you. You may be convinced at some level that people will find reasons to reject you. It’ll feel uncomfortable or downright scary, you might be apprehensive…that’s kind of the point! That is precisely the space in which you’re going to have a higher chance of deepening quality connection. Resolve to allow those thoughts and feelings, and then direct your energy toward going right through them, in the direction of the value of increased connection.
Related: (VIDEO) Explaining Psychological Flexibility: The Bus Metaphor
See how it feels for you to push yourself in this area more than you are used to, and how it impacts your connections with people. And be nice to yourself, remembering again that this is hard in some way or another for just about every human being you’ve ever known.
If You Need Some More Help with Interpersonal Connection
The therapists of Full Color Psychology are experienced in working with people who want to have greater quantity and quality of connection in their lives, and can help you identify and address the obstacles in your way. These might include the isolation tendency common to depression, or the overwhelming ‘what ifs’ of anxiety. We also work a lot with people who’ve gone through faith transitions, which often has significant implications for community and interpersonal belonging. Whatever the case, we welcome you reaching out to us with questions or to inquire about our therapy services.
Photo by William Fortunato
