Lots of people tend to underestimate the positive feelings others have toward them–maybe especially people who are higher in social anxiety or who have good reason to be cautious about trusting others. Researchers have examined this phenomenon, which they call a ‘Liking Gap.’
Are you one of those people who, while interacting with someone, has a mind that’s going a thousand miles an hour? Generating all the possible reasons this person either doesn’t like you, or is bored with you, or is critically evaluating you?
Rest assured, you’re not alone in this. In fact, this is a common phenomenon. Our brains are busy trying to protect us from rejection and hurt, but in doing so they can really distract us. Those thoughts can get overwhelmingly noisy and loud, precisely when we’re trying hard to connect with someone. They can keep us from reaching out or offering an act of kindness, things that build connection.
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There’s some interesting research about this phenomenon that I hope might set your mind a bit at ease. When you’re in an interaction and your brain is trying to figure out how the other person perceives you, that’s called ‘Metaperception.’
And a series of interesting studies of metaperception found that basically, people are pretty bad at predicting what another person is thinking about them, or how another person is perceiving them, after interaction with that person.
Researchers defined this inaccurate metaperception as the ‘Liking Gap’ and found that it was fairly consistent. What does this mean for us? In part, it shows that other people actually tend to like us more than we think.
It also shows that many of us tend to appraise ourselves in an overly cautious or self-critical way. This leads us to get so wrapped up in what our mind is interpreting about an interaction, that we easily miss the positive cues and signals from the other person. We miss the details that indicate that they like us.
So remember this the next time you’re having an interaction with someone you want to connect to! It won’t stop your brain from doing what it does to try to insulate you from rejection, but it could help you get less tangled in those thoughts, and leave more room for the possibility that those thoughts aren’t accurately reflecting reality. Take some comfort from knowing that odds are pretty good that they like you more than you think.
If You Need Some More Help with Obstacles to Connection
The therapists of Full Color Psychology are experienced in working with people who want to have greater depth and quality of interpersonal connection in their lives, and can help you identify and address the obstacles in your way.
These might include the isolation tendency common to depression, or the overwhelming ‘what ifs’ of anxiety. They might include the long-felt impacts of trauma or other negative experiences. Whatever the case, we welcome you reaching out to us with questions or to inquire about our therapy services.
Photo by Elle Hughes
