When therapy is working, there are lots of moments where the goals and directions we’re heading together as client and therapist are clear. Where the process can be grasped in a way that makes sense.
But it’s also normal – standard, even – to sometimes run into things that are fuzzy or unclear. Or places where questions naturally emerge. And for a combination of pretty understandable reasons, there are some questions in particular that clients in therapy are hesitant or even scared to ask.
In this article I want to talk about some of the most common questions I’ve run into both in therapy and in conversations I observe about therapy. I see variants of these questions all the time, especially in spaces where people talk to each other about their experiences in therapy – on social media, reddit forums, comment sections, etc.
So for those of you already in therapy, see how many of these are things you’ve wondered yourself in the process of working with your therapist. For those considering therapy, know that these are common and highly normal questions that can show up in the process.
Spoiler alert – in every single one of these cases, the best answer is: these are EXACTLY the kinds of things you can (and often should!) bring up in therapy, with your therapist, directly.
Okay, you say…but that’s like SUPER terrifying. Or I’m scared of what they’ll think of me for asking. Or I’m nervous about hearing something I won’t like. Or I don’t want to break the ‘rules’ of what’s okay to talk about in therapy and be a ‘bad’ client/patient.
And to those questions – all valid concerns, of course – I answer: one of the most central, helpful, and healing foundations of therapy is that it is a place where you can say, express, feel, ask, think out loud about, clarify, and seek to understand anything. And it is especially encouraged that you bring up precisely those things that make you feel most nervous or uncertain or vulnerable. Otherwise they may continue to block the potential progress you can make.
And now that you already know the general answer to these common questions, the questions themselves:
Can I ask my therapist personal questions about their life?
Absolutely, you can. What will vary from professional to professional is how they answer. Some approaches emphasize being neutral and limiting self-disclosure. Other therapists will let you in on aspects of their personal lives to aid in building some rapport, or because it’s something that’s directly relevant and helpful to you and the issues you’re working on.
It’s natural to be curious about your therapist and their experiences. Go ahead and ask, respecting their decision and boundaries, and be ready to first answer why you want to know. This can help us both get at what’s really driving the question, and how it maybe relates to your issues–though of course it won’t always.
What does my therapist really think of me?
This is one you can definitely ask if you’re wondering. In fact it’s a question that’s great for exploration about how you’re perceived from the outside, or how people might tend to experience you. As in the example above, I’d frequently want to follow up this question with a clarification about what’s driving it. For example I might ask something like, “When you say ‘really think of me,’ are you noticing some doubts or familiar distrust about how people treat you?”
Other times this question might just come from wanting to hear some unfiltered, genuine feedback, from a person you have built trust with and who understands you perhaps in deeper, better ways than many other people in your life. It can be scary to seek this feedback, but consider asking your therapist anyway, and along the way also share with them why you’re asking and how it feels to seek that feedback.
What if I’m an inconvenience or burden to my therapist?
Chances are pretty good that if you’re worried about being a burden to your therapist, you’re also worried about burdening most other people in your life. Of course this is probably rooted in your compassion and awareness of the impact you have on people especially when sharing hard things. And that awareness can be a very helpful thing. But in therapy it can also cause you to filter or hold back due to fear of how it will make your therapist feel, which of course gets in the way of the benefits you could be realizing in therapy.
Reemember this: your therapist has training and experience in sitting with the most painful, difficult parts of people’s humanity. It’s literally what you’re paying them to do, to create the kind of therapeutic space with you where you can share all of it. Everything. If you feel this question come up for you in therapy, it’s a fantastic idea to express and ask it. The answer you get, and the subsequent exploration of everything that’s embedded in this question, could be quite helpful.
I want to ask for an extra session, am I allowed to reach out to my therapist?
Yep. Go right ahead. Contact them in whatever way they have told you is okay to do. They may have reasons they can/can’t accommodate your request, but they’ll listen to it and consider it. No one’s getting in trouble for asking for more help.
And more broadly, I often hear people wonder if they’re able to contact their therapist between sessions, for any number of other reasons. This will depend on the therapist and their preferences, but again it does no harm to ask.
My experience as a therapist has been overwhelmingly on the side of people who fear to ask for what they want, and therefore hold back on expressing those needs. Very, very infrequently do I encounter people who may need help dialing back on how much they ask for from me and others.
If I talk about suicidal thoughts, will my therapist force me to be hospitalized?
This is an unfortunate barrier to talking about the depths that our suffering can often reach. Most humans at some point or another are, at the very least, going to have thoughts about not existing anymore, or checking out, without any actual intent or concrete plans to end their life. These thoughts just reflect a mind’s attempts to figure out how to get away from overwhelming pain and distress. Not only won’t you be hospitalized for bringing these up, it often helps to express out loud and explore these thoughts and the feelings that come with them.
Forced hospitalization in most outpatient therapy settings is incredibly rare. Instead, occasionally a therapist and client agree together that a stay in a hospital or other supervised setting is for the best, in order to ensure safety. This only happens when intent is high, plans have been made, the risk is imminent, and a person is fairly sure they can’t keep themselves safe.
I’m not sure what my therapist is getting at when they ask me , what do they want from me?
This one also gets expressed as “how am I supposed to answer when my therapist asks me ____?” You’re not supposed to give any one particular answer. Therapy isn’t an oral exam, there isn’t a grade, and you’re not being judged on your mind-reading capabilities. If you don’t understand what your therapist is getting at, ask them!
We therapists can often get a bit locked into certain verbal patterns and language usage that is familiar to us, but bewildering to a client. Tell us you’re confused, ask us to clarify, or straight up tell us we’re not making sense. But remember you’re in therapy for you, not to guess at what you think your therapist wants to hear, or to give them answers that will keep them happy.
Am I allowed to ask my therapist to change topics to something I really want to talk about?
Yes. Please! Lots of therapists are going to try to follow their client’s lead on what is discussed and brought up in sessions. Even more structured therapy approaches include the flexibility to go where the client needs to go. And as perceptive as some of us can be, we’re often not going to know there’s something you’d rather be talking about or working on, unless you tell us. This one comes back again to remembering therapy is your time, and your dime…at any point you can shift to something that feels more useful or pressing to you.
Variants of this question are: “Can I ask my therapist to (be more direct/be less direct, talk more/talk less, do something differently)?” If the approach or style you are getting from your therapist isn’t quite working for you, bring it up. We’re expecting that to happen more often than not, as there is no one-size-fits-all approach. It’s far more effective to ask and express these concerns than it is just to nod and go along, and then quit therapy. Of course, if you do ask, and your therapist still just doesn’t have a style that gels well with you, it’s okay to let them know that and then look for someone else.
How am I supposed to know if therapy is helping me?
Common related questions are: “Am I doing therapy right?” Or “I’m not sure therapy is working, am I going to offend my therapist if I bring this up?” The core question here is actually super important for both therapist and client to be clear on together. Essentially it comes down to clarifying just what it is we’re working on, discussing the goals or outcomes that matter most to you, and identifying how we’ll know if we’re heading in the right direction.
It’s intimidating to start therapy thinking there’s a right way to do it, or some universal formula. It’s so much more variable and complex than that! So asking about, checking in on, and reflecting on how therapy is going, and whether it’s helping you, is so important that these questions should be coming from both of you regularly along the way.
My therapist sometimes takes notes during sessions, and I know they keep notes after sessions…can I ask about what they’re writing?
You’re in session, expressing some thought or feeling or experience that’s raw or usually unspoken, and then…your therapist looks down at a notepad and starts writing. Of course, part of your brain recognizes what they’re doing and why, and maybe you even appreciate that they’re invested in remembering and recording important stuff so as to better help you.
But another part of your brain is suddenly super curious. What did they write? Why just now? Are they seeing something I’m not? And what do they write after our sessions in their official case notes? This is another super normal curiosity! And it’s perfectly fine to ask about it. Your case notes won’t be as exciting or interesting as you think. But the question about what your therapist is writing in session, and the underlying question about what they’re noticing and finding important enough to take notes about? That’s a good one to bring up and explore if you find yourself wondering.
I want to share something I (created or wrote or recorded or drew, etc.) with my therapist, is that allowed?
‘Allowed’ is a loaded word here, implying some sort of Rules of Therapy™ that shall never be broken under penalty of…well, I’m not sure, exactly. As with all the other questions we’ve talked about, the answer here is that it’s better to ask than privately wonder, and in fact it’s highly encouraged to ask. And especially in this case it can often significantly contribute to your therapy to share the things you creatively generate, particularly when they relate to themes you’re working on in therapy.
For example, when clients share what they’ve written about issues we’re working on, maybe journal entries or poems or song lyrics, it’s incredibly helpful to our work together. Or maybe it’s a piece of art they created, a song they recorded, or some other creative expression of things we’ve been addressing together. Not only is this ‘allowed,’ I think it’s safe to say that most any therapist will wholeheartedly welcome it, appreciate what it is you’re sharing with them, and engage it with interest and enthusiasm. Go for it.
And one last bonus question: I’d love to know if my therapist would still like me if I weren’t their client, but I could never ask that. Or can I?
I’ve saved this one for last because at its core it’s a question that is present in just about ANY close interpersonal relationship, including and maybe especially the kind of relationship that emerges in therapy as you are open and vulnerable with your therapist.
Variations on this question come up all the time:
- “You’ve seen me unfiltered and with as much depth as anyone, you’ve seen me as I really am…would you still like me if it wasn’t your job?”
- “Do I have value, and worth, am I likable, even at my core?”
- “Do you actually like me, and care about me?”
What a wonderful and terrifying question to consider. I’d argue in fact – as have others – that it’s maybe the most fundamentally human question there is. All of us, your therapist included, encounter this wondering, this uncertainty…will people still want me around, if they really, really see who I am?
Because of this, therapy is an especially good place to explore this question. And ideally your therapist will not only answer you honestly, but also explore how your desire to belong and to be loved also extends out into the rest of your life, and examine what holds you back at times or gets in the way of being more genuinely you. I can tell you with complete sincerity that as a therapist, the more clients let down the usual defenses they carry with them everywhere else, the more they open up vulnerably, and the more they allow themselves to be fully authentic with me…the more I find it easier to care about them, connect to them, and like them as the people they are. Which is quite the opposite of what their fears tell them might happen.
Hopefully these questions and answers are helpful to you as you engage in therapy or consider getting started with a therapist. Try to remember that, as a general rule, if you’re wondering about something in therapy or have questions, and you’re not sure if or how you can ask them, those are absolutely the kinds of things you can and should bring up, even if it feels scary or uncomfortable. Doing so has the potential to enrich and increase the positive benefits of therapy for you. Ask away!
If you’d like to talk more with us about this, or ask about our therapy services, feel free to reach out to us today.
