“How do you do it? Walking through life with no compass?”
Under the Banner of Heaven, 2022
Going through a faith crisis, fictional LDS detective Jeb Pyre hurls this question at his non-Mormon partner, desperately wondering how anyone goes through life without the firm foundation of religious faith. The experience is confusing and heartbreaking. In the beloved children’s show, Avatar: The Last Airbender, the character Zuko expresses a similar sentiment while facing a moral dilemma: “I’m angry at myself . . . because I’m not sure I know the difference between right and wrong anymore.”
The experience of leaving a faith tradition, especially a high-demand faith tradition, is destabilizing because religions structure how we see the world, how we make sense and meaning in our lives. They provide answers for universal and harrowing questions. What happens when we die? What does it mean to live well? What role should I play in my community? What is the purpose of my existence? For all these, and many others, religions give clear answers. They keep the proverbial demons at bay. Beyond that, they take the responsibility for answering these questions off of your shoulders, allowing you to outsource a heavy workload.
The problem: What happens if it stops working for you? The structure that contained those demons breaks, and out they come to torture you. Because you have outsourced this function until now, you feel at a loss as to how to handle it. You have lived your life in the comfort of a raft at sea without learning to swim. When your raft starts to sink, panic ensues—all the more so if you look around and notice that everyone else’s raft seems to be floating just fine.
Going through a faith transition involves greater difficulty coming from high-demand religious groups, such as the Latter-Day Saints (Mormons), Muslims, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Orthodox Jews, Seventh-Day Adventists, or other fundamentalist or evangelical denominations. The personal struggle tends to turn into a communal or relational struggle. Mormons who wish to leave or change their faith, for example, face estrangement from their families and communities. They risk judgment and condemnation from all sides. This makes an isolating process even more isolating and painful.
What to Do About an Existential Crisis or Faith Transition
Normalize, normalize, normalize—and find a community. Allow me to emphasize that you are not alone. One of the most hurtful losses of a faith transition is the loss of or change in your community. More and more, however, it is possible to find communities outside religious contexts and to improve the relationships you already have in ways that feel more authentic and fulfilling. Some are created specifically for people who have gone through faith transitions themselves.
Consider exploring local groups, clubs or leagues consistent with your hobbies or interests. Specific to the ex- and post-Mormon communities, you might like the following resources:
For resources and communities more general to former Christians, consider exploring the following:
How to Thrive After Leaving Religion
Reframe your inner dialogue. Asking questions and examining doubts takes intellectual and social courage. Framing doubt as mental weakness, we would contend, is nothing but the result of institutional or familial gaslighting. Many accuse those questioning their beliefs of searching for ease, wanting to sin, or being too weak to maintain the discipline and rigor that living a life of faith requires. Unsurprisingly, the data bears out a different story—that people struggle to maintain their beliefs or remain active in their faith communities because they learn troubling information about their churches’ history or current behavior, they disagree with the doctrines, or they feel participating in church stymies their intellectual or spiritual growth. These steps are daunting, and they can feel lonely. Going through a faith crisis points not to your faults but to your strength and bravery. It takes immense courage and integrity to call formerly dear beliefs into question. Calling people weak or sinful when they examine their beliefs is, at best, ignorant and, at worst, deeply harmful.
Lean into the discomfort. The adage that the best way out is through applies here. Of course this is uncomfortable, terrifying, and sad. We have found in working with clients that avoiding doubt and distress tends to compound the distress over time. Instead, consider finding people with whom you can talk about your questions. That might be a friend, colleague, family member, or therapist. You might also explore books that help you understand this process and feel less alone:
The Stages of Faith, by James Fowler
The Myth of Certainty, by Daniel Taylor
When Mormons Doubt: A Way to Save Relationships and Seek a Quality of Life, by Jon Ogden
Navigating Mormon Faith Crisis, by Thomas McConkie
Common Pitfalls While Navigating an Existential Crisis
Self-isolation. One thing we’ve seen from our clients in a faith crisis is a tendency to assume there is something wrong with them for having doubts. They experience shame, anxiety, and stress. It’s natural to crave isolation during times so tumultuous, but in our experience this leads to longer-lasting difficulties. Some solitude, of course, is helpful, even necessary. But the wholesale avoidance of social engagement is not. Within reason and your own comfort, aim to stay connected with people you trust to hold your vulnerability well.
Discounting Your Thoughts, Feelings, and Intuitions. Perhaps friends, family, or religious leaders have advised you to doubt your doubts, put your questions on a shelf, or to recognize your inquisitive side as the temptation of evil. With such a powerful current pushing that direction, it’s easy to fall into the trap of self-doubt. This is one way in which gaslighting can alienate you from your own investigative and intellectual functioning. Consider allowing that questioning voice space to breathe and communicate to you. Trust yourself to listen to your own mind’s movements and concerns. After all, your worldview has changed since you were a child. Likely, it’s become more sophisticated and mature. It is healthy to change and develop with age.
Buying Into Hopelessness. The loss of faith—or a significant change in your faith—can lead beyond feelings of grief and to feelings of hopelessness. You might lose your source of optimism and your connection to community. Where else could you find it again? What would it mean if you have based your life on falsehoods or lies? Sadness, anger, grief, and despondency arise naturally in the wake of these questions. While this is a normal response, know that it’s not the end of the story and that, for many, a vibrant life waits on the other side of the transition, whether that’s within or without your current religious community—or in finding a nuanced, messy middle ground.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy is far from the only way to navigate a faith transition. But it can help in several ways. First, a well trained therapist will make space for you to explore your doubts and concerns without trying to steer you one way or another. They will help you figure out what you want to do, not what they want you to do. This type of experience can be rare for those going through a faith transition or crisis. Your family and friends are more likely to have a bias about your decision to stay in or leave your religion.
Second, therapists with training and expertise in this area can quickly help you understand your challenges. They can help you identify the stage of your crisis and explore viable strategies for navigating it. It helps to talk to someone who has seen many others in similar situations.
Third, trained therapists can help you monitor and treat mental health complications that often attend faith transitions. Evidence suggests that going through an existential crisis or a crisis of faith increases risk of depression, anxiety, and grief. These can include symptoms with which friends and family are ill-positioned to help.
How Full Color Psychology Can Help
All the psychologists working at Full Color Psychology specialize in treating faith transitions and related concerns. They have all gone through a faith transition (and more than a few existential crises) of their own. In short, you can count on them getting it and knowing how to help you. Contact us if you believe therapy might be an important step in your journey.
